Save me, I'm Lost
by levines
Summary: One-shot post 5x16 "An Honest Mistake." Continuation of the episode where Derek is upset about losing his patient and leaving a mother-less child, and also regretting the fight with Mark.


I love Grey's Anatomy more than anything, but the one thing I cannot stand is when they create a cute scene and then just leave it there to rot. Grrr, it really makes me angry. Haha. So, this is a continuation of 5x16 "An Honest Mistake".

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Meredith stared at the man across from her as he kept refilling his drink over and over, gulping the vile drink as if nothing else mattered. He never glanced over at her, he never said a word. He simply kept staring at the Tequila bottle wishing that the earlier events in the day had not happened. How could he have let her die? She had been his responsibility as a Doctor to fix, and he had failed. Her husband had had faith in him, Addison had faith in him, Meredith had faith in him…and he had let them all down. He was a murderer.

"Derek?"

Derek heard a tentative voice calling his name from afar, but ignored it, focusing on the drink that was going to numb away the pain completely.

"Derek?"

The voice called again, louder this time, and so he brought his eyes up to meet the woman's who was sitting across from him.

Meredith almost wanted to cry when she looked into Derek's eyes. There were so many emotions playing through them she hardly knew where to begin. Sadness, hatred, anger, annoyance, betrayal…Meredith knew those eyes so well. She could always tell how Derek was feeling just by his eyes, they always expressed just how happy he really was when they twinkled along with his smile.

"Derek…let's talk." Meredith coaxed softly, gently prying the glass away from his trembling hands. Though he was partly drunk, he still had a relatively strong grip on the glass. When Meredith had successfully laid it on the coffee table, she turned her entire body to face his. She wasn't sure how he was going to respond. Angry? Depressed? Quiet? Reserved? She crossed her fingers he wouldn't yell like he normally did.

"What is there to talk about?" He asked quietly, staring at his hands that were swollen and throbbing with pain. "I failed her."

"You didn't fail her." Meredith replied equally as quiet. Derek turned his head to look at her again.

"I couldn't save her. Her husband depended on me, I told him she would be okay, I told her that she would be okay. And she died. From my hands, on my O.R. table. Therefore, I failed her."

"You can't save everyone, Der. Not even the best Doctors can have a God complex. You did everything you could have done."

"And yet it wasn't enough." Derek mumbled, as a tear rolled down his cheek. "It just wasn't enough."

Meredith wasn't sure if she was saying any of the right things at all. She had never been much of a comforter; she was mainly always the person receiving the comfort. And the fact that she had even been able to sit with Derek and try to reassure him was a breakthrough for her, she never thought she could love anyone as much as she did Derek.

Meredith wiped off Derek's now tear stained cheek as more began to come tumbling down. Meredith had never seen Derek lose his self control like this before. He had heard stories about Derek's break down when Meredith had been dead for a few hours, but she had never witnessed it in person. It was like all of his self-esteem and confidence had been drained from him all in one go. Derek's eyes seemed to plead with her to make the pain go away.

"Come here," She murmured, opening her arms towards him. Derek didn't even hesitate as he entered into her warm embrace, her small body adding that little bit of comfort he needed. She stroked his hair as he rested his head on the center of his chest, attempting to sooth him with whispers of sweet nothings.

After a few moments, she felt Derek's head turn to look at her. She smiled slowly at him, not sure what he was thinking. His eyes seemed to be searching for something.

"I'm sorry that I couldn't be there for you when you had been going through things like this. I know how you feel now and it must have been awful to go through it alone."

Meredith sighed, shaking her head slightly at her McDreamy. He always had her best interests at heart.

"You have nothing to apologize for. I probably wouldn't have taken the help if you had offered."

"But I could have been there." Derek insisted as Meredith smiled weakly.

"I think you need to stop worrying about what you could have done and focus on the now. This, right here, is what matters the most to me." She took his larger hand in hers and intertwined their fingers, setting their hands on her heart. Derek glanced at her, then at their hands. He felt so content lying in her arms. It was nice to finally have a real conversation with her other than the normal Hospital garbage.

"I was just so sure that I wasn't going to lose her." Derek said softly, still staring at their hands. "I didn't want to give up on her because I thought she had a chance. And now her child will never have a Mother, and the child's Father will never have the love of his life. And that's my fault. It's true, Mer. I'm a murderer…"

Meredith's heart broke at his words. He was so fragile and vulnerable as he lay in her arms. He was being completely honest with her, which was nice because they hadn't had a heart-to-heart in such a long time.

"You are the farthest thing from a murderer, Derek. Think of all the people you've saved. That's what really matters. There are so many people that owe you their lives because you are that great of a surgeon. Don't let this bump ruin the greater part of who you are."

Derek allowed her words to sink in, wondering when she had become so mature and dependant. Before now she probably never could have been able to say those kinds of things to him. It just wasn't what she did. And yet here she was, comforting him head on.

"I just hate losing them, Mer. That's all." He whispered quietly after a long moment of silence.

"I know you do, Der. I know you do." She continued to play with his hair gently, allowing her fingers to softly caress his bruised cheeks and jaw line, as he drifted into a comfortable sleep in her arms. He had never felt so safe in his entire life.

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Reviews are loved!! Oh and should I continue or leave it?


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